the smile is back

 About today: wow.

It seemed so hard, I was feeling still sick and tired, but the sun out from my window was calling.  I stood up, I was ready to put my shoes for a small walk but then suddenly my mind said "now or never". I got my bike shoes, put a bike tool in my pocket and I saw myself biking up the hill. 

I was biking. I didn't believe it. I was biking fast, although my lungs couldn't get the air they are used to. I didn't care. I felt the fresh air, I heard the birds singing, and I felt so at peace. And so calm, so in my place. The walking rythm is not the one I'm used to, so I guess my body needed a connection to the old perceptions, being in my bike rather than by foot. Biking goes enough fast so that it doesn't allow my mind to talk, which is great. And the speed makes me smile all over the place.

When I came back at the end of the trail, I didn't feel sick anymore. I felt such a big energy, I felt  revitalised with a strong willing to share it with all my friends, all together, now. I shared a photo from my smile and the bike in social media and suddenly three good friends of mine wrote me asking how I was going. I felt so full of love and care. I called Ivona, I asked her if she had time to meet and I met her.  

After a long hug and listening to Ivona's news about her last trip to Lithuania, I told her about my inner conflict between the "needy body looking for sport" and the call for throwing out my desires. It's been more than six months since my body is not doing what it's used to, so now that it feels fit again, it's not only talking to me, it's screaming to me and begging me to keep myself active again. I understand it. Yet,  this does not need to happen in India, at least not in the way it is used to. "That's not the reason why you go to India", said Ivona in such a convincing and calm way to me. "The plan you proposed to go to Israel at first and bike there, seems logical to me though". So easy. I love Ivona and I ask myself now why do I spend so little time with the friends I care and who care about me.

Apart from the cosmic energy this simple experience gave me, I learned something critical from this day too. What if myself could feel this authentic, pure smile, this energy, this peace and solidity, and calmness, and freedom, and sincerity to life, without the need of a bike? What if it was always inside me? Wow. That would be sick actually. I am very glad I came back to all these feelings again though, since before today, I was almost forgetting that they existed. So this is a huge baby step.