"Mum, I'm gonna quit my job and live my life".

Snowboarding. I'm feeling I really need to do it.

Disorder

Good morning. My stomach has woken up and has decided to clean himself, maybe inspired by the dustmen there outside cleaning the rests of the carnival.
Bathroom. I go once, twice, a third time and a fourth time. I like to count, I count the time It took from the party spot to my place: "Let's use my chronometer Laura, I'll hurry up, I just need warm socks and put my phone to charge". 13'49''. Ups,  It took a bit longer.
39'12''. Run from last morning. 3.5 Km per way. 7 km of route which I after analyze in google maps. 5,57 minutes per kilometer, 10,77 km per hour, roughly.
I like to count. It's making something yours, it's like stealing with Picardy. It's also kind of taking a picture, but capturing time not space. Just another dimension.

But counting is a sign of lack confidence as well. It's a need to be attached to something, to time in this case. No. Let's talk about disorder now. Disorder or chaos? Well, chaos is a nicer word, but "chaos" doesn't inspire me that much. It's quite a simple, clean, and consequently ordered word. It can't come to failure, ever, it's absolute, always true. Whereas disorder, at least it confuses me a bit more. And it has a good character as a starting point, look, it's fighting against something, dis-. She doesn't like you (yes, she's a girl haha).

Sometimes we have just to be spontaneous, it works better. I need to write now in spanish, el desorden es una palabra demasiado fuerte para pensarla en otro idioma.

Desorden. Objetos volando. Me inpira a viento huracanado y cosas con vida propia. A negro. A correr sin fijarse demasiado en el paso y dejar todo patas arriba. Vale, no es la palabra que buscaba en realidad. Paro.

I was writing inspired by a feeling I'm not able to describe with a single word. I've seen disorder is not the right one, it scares me. And well, I'm not inspired any more. I'm thinking about Anna Gasser now, she's from here, from Villach you know? I'm curious, I want to see a round from her. Pause.
...

Ok. Wow. I'm stocked by the sound of the snowboarding edge cutting the kicker, I have goose bumps. And stomp it! I faithfully reproduce this feeling in my head: myself in the kicker in Nassfeld: around 4:30 pm, I head the kicker and think "oh my god, look at the sunset". Then a bit of air and stomp it! Of course it's not a 20m kicker, but the feeling is pretty ok for me still :) Thanks Christi for filming. I can't wait to watch the videos!

I had a conversation with my room mate: "how can you live like this Pili?, like deciding in the last 5 minutes always?"

Yes, this is the "disorder" I was thinking of. Maybe now I see it a bit more clear. It's not disorder, it's just switching. Cause I don't have the feeling that anything belongs to me (i.e. I don't own anything) and I don't want to belong to anything either. I just want to experience, try, get a bit of this, a bit of that. And if someone says  to me "come and see" , I'll come with him, without caring about the past, about whether I had something planned before.  That' s what drives people crazy around me, and I kow it. Sorry Ibai.

Weekend summary:
- Friday snowboard. One of the best days of my season for the moment. I learnt good fs 3 indie stylish, cab 180 and good feelings in the air.
- Saturday I couldn't ride, anyone up there in the mountain. So shitty not to have a car...But I went running, which definitely I missed it, I dressed as an aviator and I partied. So funny hahah I love carnivals.
- Sunday. I don't know, we will see. Verona, not yet. Maybe skating.

resumiéndome

Hola Blog,

No es que te haya abandonado, es que he estado muy ocupada.

Te he escrito algunas palabras en un sobre que pone 1-SNB Ladies 100 eur-20 eur taxes (qué listos que son), y cuando tenga un ratín te escribiré.

Entre tanto, no te olvides de mí! Sería una lástima.

Estonia fue un chasco.
Pero luego lo pasé muy bien en una compe en Turracher.
Y ahora, me voy a la montaña a saltar :)

https://vimeo.com/119078455

Nana. Lullaby

Mañana me voy a Estonia a hacer el cabra como dice mi madre.
Y no puedo dormir.
Y mi tren sale a las 4:45.

Jajaja.

Supongo que es normal.

Tu marea me dejó la piel la piel cuarteada, la miel en los labios, las piernas enterradas.

Canto esto una y otra vez en mi cabeza como una nana, qué dulce la voz de Iván Ferreiro en esta canción...buenas noches ^^

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Tomorrow I leave Villach at 4:45 and I can't sleep. Hahaha, It's normal I guess, I have my mind totally free though. I'm singing a part of this song as a sort of lullaby, over and over again...for some reason I find his voice specially sweet ^^ good night.

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I just wanna know If you are gonna stay.

Suena "I just wanna, I just wanna know If you are gonna, if you are gonna stay".

17:10, azul neón de una radio encendida a volumen medio alto. Blanco grisáceo; textura resacosa de los árboles que recuerdan la sesión de esta mañana. Una sensación de velocidad estática, de mareo al ver los carteles del pasado. El tiempo ha cambiado y yo con él miro hacia atrás, reacciono con retardo y con mis ojos sonrío despacio. Silencio en la furgoneta; probablemente todos estemos sintiendo algo especial.  Ups, llamada telefónica de un familiar del chico con la clavícula rota: pause. Cambio de música, fade in. Winterdienst, me vuelvo a fundir con mi exterior, luces y túnel intermitente.  Ahora llega el gris oscuro, y allí al fondo niebla o humo. Nah, prefiero mirar al pasado, el tiempo ha cambiado. La tengo en mi mano, es lo que iba a decir antes del pause, la ilusión está en mi mano y la he movido de sitio como muevo y juego con el tiempo. Conducir marcha atrás a 130, adelantar retrocediendo, carteles de atrás hacia adelante, presente que se vuelve pasado y pasado que es presente por culpa de mi reflejo, mi reacción con retardo y mis ojos que sonríen despacio.  Repetición. Me gusta repetir, para qué algo nuevo. Schnee, la nieve de la mañana viaja con nosotros, nos la merecemos ;)

El tiempo ha cambiado porque justamente no quiere cambiar, y tiñe el pasado con presente, drogado . El tiempo ha cambiado porque no necesita avanzar, se pone en rewind, modo de repetición costante. Y lo hace así porque es la única forma de moverse sin moverse, es su truco. Ojala fuese capaz de parar, de presionar stop. Ojala pudiésemos capturar el momento para siempre y quedarnos aquí, fumándonoslo y saboreándolo, reaccionando con retardo y con ojos que sonríen despacio.

Valley Ralley 25/1/15 at Gerlos

Suena Sigur Ros en Grooveshark.

à la recherche.

A la recherche du temps perdu, à la recherche des sensations et des sentiments sur la table au final. La poudresse est ce que j'en avais besoin. Oui, je me sensais sensible ce weekend...

I was feeling I was wasting my time, I had to look for feelings with my board, feel a bit of peace. A good session of fresh snow did the thing for me, :) even I had to wait for the second day!

Thanks to Ibai for lending me the go pro, really.

Listening to Eric Clapton. But actually 5 minutes before I listened to a very good album from The Builders and The Butchers: "Salvation is a Deep Dark Well". It's a band I didn't know, Ibai showed it to me yesterday. Worth to listen, I won't give any description.

Reflexiones: hazlo tú misma. Tu vecino está demasiado ocupado en cortar su jardín. Y yo también supongo.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. But Scheiße.

I think someone has thrown a stone full of bad karma to me. This piece of metal has given me already too many problems. And a car accident is the icing on the cake. No more. Even if they can make it to revive this scrap, I am not willing to drive any more. It is worthless, I don't want more problems. And I feel it could be a good moment now to ennumerate some of the problems I've had during these 4 years of driving, in case I hesitate:

•  Plates stolen. Beginning of september of this year. This implies a report to the police, and being stopped in the middle of the highway by the secret police cause they thought the car was being stolen (it's likely that they used the plates to commit some kind of crime, or whatever...)

• Together with the plates, frontal light damaged, door damaged. God knows what they've done with the car.

• Two car removals, one in Madrid and one here, + 150 eur fee each one (approx). 
• Tons of fees. Money. Just too much money. 

• And just after removing the car (really, 5 min after), the accident. 

I am ok, nothing serious hapenned, the other girl had a bit of blood in the nose and I have pain in my knee, but it's not big deal. But it's shocking. It came suddenly, we didn't see each other because the sun was just reflecting so much...I was going to take one exit and she was going to take the opposite. We didn't see each other and boom. I just saw light and then the car in front totally damaged.
What is strange is the feeling you get afterwards, I don't know. I want to cry, I don't know why. And I have something in my throat which does not disappear. It's strange, I think it's just due to the shock of the accident itself, physchologically speaking.  But well tomorrow I'll be fine I guess :)
And nothing will stop me from snowboarding! Well, only money I guess hehe Let's see if my full insurance can repair this. For the moment the trip I planned to Estonia with Tom and his friends for some street sessions has to wait...:/
anyhow I will manage to move :)
Listening to Ludovico Einaudi.